You would have been amazing.

This has been a rough couple of weeks. Ear infection not going away and trying out yet another antibiotic. Hopefully that is getting better now. Add to that trying to convince and be a cheerleader to said child about why he has to wear an annoying and irritating heart monitor the whole day. He is handling it all really well considering but I know it is hard on him. Irritates his skin. Embarrasses him. Heavy too. Cords. I just feel bad for him. Like he hasn’t dealt with enough. Right? We are tired.

I am not sleeping well. Thinking about him and Leilani. Thinking about 6 years ago and what I could/should have done differently. I shouldn’t have played God. I should have insisted on certain things in the NICU. I shouldn’t have trusted people just because they have a degree that says they have knowledge. I am tired.

I am not throwing a pity party. I am tougher than that. Just venting.

I am looking forward to new traditions and new perspectives. I have so much to be thankful for and I know it. I am so blessed and it is tangible

We took Peanut to the pediatric cardiologist yesterday and after a myriad of questions and an EKG, the doc thinks that it is nothing life threatening. Thank goodness! Peanut will have to wear a monitor for a month that will record the episodes he is having. It is about the size of an iPod and when he gets that feeling in his chest he will press a button to record the incident and then we upload it to the doc’s office. Fancy shmancy if you ask me. The device will be delivered to the house within a few weeks. I am curious to see if we will be able to catch what happens and then what it means….but we will have to wait and see. I am just thankful and grateful it is nothing imminent like a heart attack, etc. He will go back to the cardiologist towards the end of January to go over the findings. His ear infections seem to be clearing up nicely as well. Yay!

I took Peanut to the doc last week for failing his hearing test at school and for the pain in his chest he keeps talking about.
The nurse performed another hearing test and she determined his hearing is fine, just some fluid behind one ear. After the doc did her exam she concluded that Peanut needs to go see a cardiologist to determine what exactly is going on. She ruled out that it was his asthma, etc. I guess going by his description of a vibration in his chest she thinks it is possibly an arrhythmia or something along those lines. The vibration in his chest has been intermittent for the past two months so we are concerned. She mentioned aberrant pacemaker, which is a condition not a device. I have googled it but not with a whole lot of luck in finding out exactly what it is other than an abnormal heartbeat. He is thriving and gaining weight so it can’t be too serious although my imagination totally freaks me out. Like I don’t still check to see that he is breathing at least five times a night after all these years. Ugghhh…

Monday I picked him up from school as usual and all of a sudden he starts crying. His ear had been hurting him all damn day but he did not tell anybody. He went to the nurse earlier (I found out later) because he was feeling that vibration in his chest but did not mention his ear because he did not want to get any shots. Poor little guy. Of course I took him right away to the doc. He has two ear infections. Yippee. After vomiting all over himself and me I think he felt a bit better, haha. He is on antibiotics and so far they seem to be working. I wish the tubes were still in his ears! I am really hoping this cold/flu season will not be brutal. I told the doc if we end up going down the same road of trying different antibiotics and they do not work like last time, we are NOT doing the injections in the legs again. Hopefully it will not come to that. ::sigh::. He is home today again because he still has a fever. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

So instead of dwelling on things that are kind of crappy right now and how some things are just plain weird, I am looking for inspiration. I broke out all of my cake supplies this morning and realized I made a total of maybe 3 cakes this year. Sad! I have been depressed, too busy, lacking inspiration and motivation. I need to see the world as beautiful and inspiring and not so ugly as it can be at times.
I made these mini lemon cakes with a creme filling and thought it is a good pic to post for self inspiration.

I need to vent. All of my friends are dealing with their own shit. Blogs are supposed to be therapeutic so here goes…

Peanut has been struggling in school. He has had numerous tests done including evaluations from OT, PT, IQ, etc. We had the IEP meeting with the school (that I have been dreading) with the principal, his teacher, school psychologist, OT, Special Ed., etc. According to their testing and evals, there is a significant discrepancy between Peanut’s IQ and skills. He also is showing weak fine motor skills. This leads them to conclude that he needs some extra assistance in school. Okay, not a big shock…not even a shock at all I guess. Considering his birth history it is not suprising. I guess know I was hoping that he would not need any extra help. I was really hopeful that we would be done. Was the realistic of me to hope that? I guess not. And it kills me.

He will have therapies 10 hours a week during school hours and go from there. I am feeling pretty confused inside and praying that I am doing the right thing for him. I am absolutely terrified that he is labeled “special needs” or “specific learning disability”, but that is already happening. I don’t want him to be defined by these labels and likewise I want him to get any help he could need. A is pretty certain the school is in it for the money and getting funding when there is a special needs child, etc. He is cynical and I do not blame him one bit. Adding that uncertainty to this mix is not helping. A has always been a skeptic of the therapies Peanut has been in. Always questioning and wondering if it really has made any difference and what if we had left him alone so to speak…would he be any different? Pick someone apart and you will always find something. I of course, believe firmly that OT, PT, speech, and the extra attention given to him has made a huge difference. Significant difference. And no, I don’t know how he would have been if I did not take him to therapy, work with him and so on, but my gut tells me he would not be doing as well. I think it has made a positive difference. But the doubt is there.

I want everything for Peanut. No, I am not one of those parents who thinks their child deserves anything and everything. I just want to make sure he gets what he needs so he is the best person he can be. And I do not want him to be labeled something and then expectations are lowered and/or people get the wrong impression of him. I do not want him to feel singled out or different from his peers. Pulling him out of class for therapies does that. It might not be such a big deal now but in first grade it very well might be a noticeable stigma and certainly in higher grades. I just want average for him. That’s it.

I see him struggling. I do. With his handwriting, his ability to sequence, numbers. His vocabulary is fantastic and speaks very well. But he has gaps in his thinking. He will be talking about something and then start using words that are not logical to what he was just talking about. He gets stuck and repeats what he was just saying. So how much of that just needs to be learned? Personality quirks? He is my son after all.

As much as A and I see things so completely different at times and as much as it completely stresses me out I am thankful (?) for the differences. We will meet somewhere in the middle, we will always make sure Peanut’s interests are first, and we will both always be tempered.

I pray, I hope I am doing the best for Peanut. And right now I am convinced of nothing.

Add all of that onto the expectations put on Kindergartners now. If you have one you know. 55 sight words by the end of the year, counting to 100 in various sequences, homework every night, and so on. Oh, and add to that an asshole kid in Peanut’s class who threatened him with physical violence. Yes Kindergarten. And this is a top rated school.

He also failed his hearing test. I assume it is fluid in his ears again. Hopefully just allergies.

He is complaining of a pain in his chest that comes and goes. I think it is an inflammation of some kind, nothing serious. I have made a doctor appointment for all of this.

So, yeah.

I just read these two articles on Parenting today vs. when we were kids. I really thought these articles were well written and had very good points of view. I think I, all too often, get caught up in “Am I doing enough for my kid?” mentality and these articles allowed me to pause and be introspective. Just thought I would share

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/07/AR2009050702967.html?sid=ST2009050803185

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/bad_parents/page1

Today Peanut was a mess. We left for school and he told me he was not going to cry. Less than 10 seconds later, of course,  he was crying. We walked a bit further down the sidewalk and then told me he flat out refused to go to school. I tried talking to him calmly while telling him he has to go to school. He was crying harder at this point and refused to walk any more. I told him he needs to keep walking and that he does not have a choice. Then he breaks my heart: “I do not love you, you are the worse mom ever.” Cool. We keep walking some more (and by we, I mean I am practically dragging him). I told him that I still loved him but he has to go to school to learn and make friends, etc. Heartbreak #2: “I hate you. You are a loser”. Whoa. I stopped him there and told him he was allowed to be mad and even angry with me but he is not allowed, under any circumstance, to call me names. I forget what he said at that point other than something to the effect that he said it so he would never have to see me again…Good times.

I attempt to drop him off at the playground which is the protocol at the school. He was screaming, crying, and pulling on my shirt. !!!! Peanut. My sweet boy…WTF?! The bell rang and I left with us both miserable after I told him I loved him and would pick him up right after school.

I don’t think there is anything terrible or bad going on at the school. I have triple checked that with him. So I am thinking he is angry and scared because he has no choice in this. Did I give him too many choices before so now when he is forced to do something he does not want to do it is now this huge problem? What makes me so upset is not the fact that he said those words to me, it is the fact that he felt so alone or scared that he resorted to that action….

My Peanut told me he hates me and I never thought that would happen so soon! Little shit.

Peanut started Kindergarten last week. Weird thing is that last week he was calm and cool about it all. Last week I was taking the approach of, “He was given to me to become his own person blah blah…” This morning, however, I drop him off and he starts crying and would not let go of me. He told me he was scared and did not want to go to school anymore. Maybe last week he thought this was not a permanent thing? I don’t know….What I do know is I feel like crap for leaving him when he is crying. Kills me!

I am posting here in hopes of finding a home for my mom’s short-hair cat named Rascal. My mom is in the hospital and will more than likely have to go to a long-term care facility once she is discharged. So we are looking for a loving home for her cat since she will be unable to care for him any longer. Rascal is a white short hair with brown and black markings. He seems to be a fairly mellow cat. He is almost 7 years old, has all of his shots, and still has his front claws. I honestly don’t know if he would do well with other cats. I know he is very lonely right now as he is cooped up in my mom’s tiny apartment for a week now. I would hate for him to go to the Humane Society so I thought I would try here first.

Update: It looks like my mom is going home afterall so we will not be needing a home for Rascal. Thanx to everyone who offered to help find a home