…is biting my freakin nails. I know gross, huh? I have done it for years and I cannot stop. No self control whatsoever. What the HE-double hockey sticks is wrong with me? I guess, along with my need to control everything, I should be grateful I am not a pill-popping, 11-a.m.-martini-drinking agoraphobe. I am going to blame it on my parents

On the more positive side I have found glue-on nails to be awesome. Yeesh. But they do help me from biting and they make me feel prettier too. So there. ::sigh::

• I took this post off my site becuz it is well, honest and a little too soul bearing for me. I decided to repost becuz well, I think if I don’t post it I will remain in this writer’s block I have created .

I haven’t written in this blog for a while and when I have it has been sporadic at best. I have so many thoughts going through my head yet it is hard right now for me to consolidate or even vent. It is not like things are bad, there is just a lot going on up in my head space

From the impending election to personal experiences, it is hard to sit and write. I mean blogging can feel frivolous and pointless. I could vent about my opinion on this or that but who cares? I get in this mood a lot, especially after the babies were born. For a great deal of time after it was very hard for me to feel beyond the grief. I could not read magazines or books because what was the point? Movies or tv, ditto. I felt like these things were so simple and useless. I felt like a fake. I am not sure how to fully explain how I felt other than nothing had value outside of my marriage, my son, and my grief. And I am not sure that explanation even tells it correctly.

I kind of feel like this now. It is not depression or grief. Not that simple….. Just not sure what is real and what is not so real….and does it all matter? Indifferent does not even explain it. Just that there is way more to life than what is plastic reality right now. I don’t feel crazy or diluted…I wonder if this is how it all starts

I am happier than I have been in a long time. Things are good and I think will only get better. And that matters

Where were you on 9/11/01? I am curious because I think it is a lot like, if you were around, when JFK was shot or when the Challenger exploded.

I was just outside the Washington D.C. area with Slack when our lives as Americans changed permanently. We were in Herndon, VA for Slack’s work. I was actually planning my trip that morning to the White House and Holocaust Museum. My good friend J, who was there with her hubby and then small son, called me on the hotel phone from her room and gently asked me if I was watching the television. I watched the 2nd plane hit live and later heard the reporter at the Pentagon pause while reporting and say that he just felt an explosion or something hit the building. For hours after we watched the firetrucks with the flags draped on the back of their trucks race to D.C., sirens wailing. Rush hour traffic at 11 a.m. 

Where were you? Making breakfast for the kids? Sleeping? Rushing to work?

Shock. Numb. Grief. Disbelief. Hopeless. Helpless. Utter sadness. I think everyone felt that way this day. I hope that the people: wives, parents, children, neighbors who lost someone on 9/11 knows they were not alone that day in their grief and are not alone today.

Slack sent this to me via email. If anyone knows who the author is I will be happy to credit .

Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines:
10. Wanna form a more perfect union?
9. Something’s rising and it’s not the national debt.
8. I’m stiffer than John Kerry.
7. Let’s go someplace and release our delegates.
6. Care to join the wife and me for a little ‘bipartisanship’?
5. I’ll make you scream like Howard Dean.
4. Now that’s what I call a stimulus package.
3. I’m gonna Barack your world.
2. Wanna pretend we’re Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
1. Hi, I’m John Edwards.

I have been researching feline diabetes online to find out more about the insulin we give Midnite and food he should eat, what to expect, so on and so forth. This website, FelineDiabetes.com, is fantastic and filled with a plethora of info on care.  I was kinda freaked out at the cost of the insulin, but it turns out I am a tool and was not reading the vial correctly The insulin will be far less expensive, which is good considering the last visit to the vet was $500…..::sigh:: Anyways, this site was very helpful and an excellent resource; I thought I would pass it along.

Midnite is at the vet to test blood glucose levels throughout the day and I will find out this afternoon what we will need to do for him. He does seem more perky but he is still eating, drinking, and peeing nonstop. He is back to biting my toes and swatting my ankles, which is a good sign .

Update 08-15-08

Well the vet said yesterday Midnite’s levels were in the 400’s so we need to increase his insulin amount. There were no ketones this time in his urine which is a really good thing. I have to take him back again next week for a recheck of his blood glucose level. It is better to go slowly with raising insulin levels than giving too much as too little blood sugar can be fatal (as opposed to too much and feeling yucky). He was so upset when I picked him up yesterday but is really glad to be home I am glad that he is hanging in and doing ok

Did y’all see the Olympics Monday eve when the women gymnasts from USA and China competed? Slack and I caught a bit of it. As we were watching Slack comments, “I did not know they allowed 9-year-olds in the Olympics”, quckly followed by, “Then, of course they are probably forty years old and just age really well.” He was commenting on the Chinese gymnasts. Apparently we are not the only ones who have noticed but it appears the IOC is content to let this one ride. I want to beleive that China is doing things legit but I pause when I read they used taped segments and computer images in the “live” opening ceremonies to make the footstep fireworks and the young girl chosen to sing in the ceremonies was actually lip syncing another girl, who was behind the scenes, as she was deemed not pretty enough. I would like to think it is nonsense that China would lie and cover up the age of their gymnasts but, the doubt is there and that sux.

Midnite, our 12-year-old cat has not been feeling well lately. He has lost a lot of weight and not eating, peeing outside the catbox, etc. I finally took him to the vet on Friday and tests were ran on Saturday. It turns out he has diabetes. His blood glucose levels were 527 where the norm for a cat (even under stress) would top out at 225. Yikes. So, for now, he is getting insulin shots two times a day. He has a recheck later this week and I guess we will evaluate what to do from there. I feel so bad and I certainly do not want him to suffer. He seems to be feeling a bit better as he is not constantly meowing anymore. I guess we will wait and see….poor kitty.

Dear Peanut,

Well it is back to school for you and you are doing great . You cry for a few minutes every time I drop you off. Wiping your tears on your shirt you tell me you are a tough guy.  Every time I pick you up from school though you are happy as can be. One day when I picked you up from school and asked you how school went you said, “Well, I am learning to control my fears”. Hahahaha.

We made sign for door: No Monsters No Bugs Allowed. That seems to help you feel better too .

I don’t know what to think about this teenage attitude you have going on. Simultaneously I love you and I want to ground you to your room until you are 21 because you drive me nuts with your talking back and looks. What am I in for?!

Your boundless energy truly amazes me. You are nonstop from the very moment you wake, “So, what are we doing today Mama?” to every night when we tuck you in, “So, I was thinking about sleeping in your room”.

I LOVE YOU PEANUT. xoxoxo

Do you remember in the movie, Forrest Gump, when Forrest runs across America? I always thought that would be the coolest thing to accomplish and a huge part of me has always wanted to do this. It is definitely on my List of Things To Do Before I Die. I just found out that Google Walking is in beta. You can type your From and To destination and it will give you directions and a time frame for how long it will take you to walk there Did you know it would take me 3,577 miles or about 28 days to walk from Tucson to Anchorage?

Since we live in a town that I would rather not be in, I have been on a search to find things to appreciate about living here. Why dwell in misery when I can try and find things to feel good about, right? I do have to say I have found some great places in this city. The 17th Street Market is a great place to grocery shop, outside the big box stores, and still get decent prices. They had organic pineapple for $1.49 and it was very good! The market also supports local musicians and it is great to hear live music while shopping . I ate at El Charro for the first time in the 20 years I have lived here.  It is a Tucson institution where allegedly the chimichanga was invented. El Charro is in a contentious rivalry with a restaurant in Phoenix over this title for decades. The food was good and the guacamole was decent even though it was not prepared table side (which I think it should be).  Another really great find is BICAS, a nonprofit organization, offers used bikes and bike parts. You can volunteer at the shop and earn credit to get a bike. There are classes available that teach how to build your own bike and you can rent space to repair if you need to. It is a very cool concept. I looked there first for a bike but none were built and ready to go the day I went. My brother found some inexpensive replacement parts for his bike that he needed. And, BONUS, they had a flier up for Youth Works, an organization that makes compost bins from garbage bins thrown into the city dump. The following Saturday I bought a huge compost bin made out of recycled materials for $40! It feels really good to buy and support local businesses and organizations.

That said, I have been wanting to buy a bike to ride around the neighborhood and I got this one last week:

I love the whitewall tires and the fenders . I ride it to my yoga class on Sunday mornings and around the neighborhood with Peanut.

I ended up getting it at……. Target (::sigh::). I wanted to buy local so very much but it came down to a lower price at Target (50% lower easily) on clearance for a pretty good deal. And I think that is a real issue that local businesses have to contend with: prices and availability. I would certainly buy local even if it costs slightly more. But, 50% less expensive; well, my wallet talks too and it says, “We gots to save somewhere!”